This is one of those stories that would be so much funnier if it happened to my friend, Mandy, and was her writing it. Still, when I told her the story, we both laughed so hard that I felt it necessary to write it for others to experience.
It has been almost exactly 2 years since I have given blood. When we were in I gave every other month. There was a little church near by that ran monthly blood drives. You can donate every 56 days, and since the drives were every third Tuesday of the month, it worked just perfect to go every other time. Anyway, I donated in September of 2006, and by the next time I was eligible, I was pregnant. Evidently they aren't too keen on pregnant women giving away blood… something about you needing it while pregnant. Who knew? Anyway, they (being the American Red Cross) called me up the other day and asked me to participate in a “donor express drive” here in Hillsboro, so I signed up.
Shannon was able to watch Gracie, so I dropped her off and headed to the Library in Hillsboro. My first mishap was going to the wrong library – oops. The blood drive was at the Shute Park library, where I never go, not the closer and way more convenient library. That would have been too easy. So, I arrive a few minutes late for my appointment, but it was okay since there was a (very grumpy and impatient) lady waiting in front of me. In case you aren't familiar, the express drives are ones that you are “guaranteed” to be in and out in less than 30 minutes. When it was time for the aforementioned grumpy and impatient lady (GIL) to head behind the little blue curtain for her medical history screening interview, she was very huffy and vocal about having to wait. Really? When has the ARC ever been quick? If you’re in a hurry – and I’m guessing she wasn't – then donating blood is not the volunteer job for you.
Okay, on to my story… As the nurse was calling GIL back, a mom with her small son come out from behind the curtain. I’m guessing that he was just about two. The mom, with good intentions, grabbed a couple individual packs of
oreos from the donor snack table and handed them to her son – presumably to keep him occupied. Well, that worked for about 7 seconds, until the cookies were gone and there were crumbs everywhere. He had that I’
ve-just-eaten-
oreos paste of crumbs and saliva around his mouth and all over his hands. Mom was happily squeezing her stress ball “every 3-4 seconds” and so it was the
phlebotomist (fancy word for vampire) that stopped the child from wreaking havoc on the important-looking blood drive equipment. He handed the boy an extra stress ball to keep him busy. The child grabbed the ball, turned it around once or twice, and then stuck it in his mouth. Now the ball covered in the
oreo/saliva paste. I almost vomited in my mouth thinking about all the hundreds of nervous, sweaty hands that have squeezed the ball that the child was now trying to consume. Yuck! By this point the mom was back from her trance, was able to somehow snatch the
oreo-pasted ball out of the child’s teeth, and hand it back to the vampire. Now that the snack was eaten, and the ball put out of reach, the child climbed under and proceeded to pick the already been chewed gum off the bottom of the check in table.
Eeew. Perhaps if you have a 2-year-old that you have to take with you, blood donation
isn’t right for you either.
We are now back to the GIL (grumpy and impatient lady). She finished up her health screen and headed to the lawn chair to get poked. It was my turn behind the curtain, so I’m not exactly sure how she did, or how the mom with the
oreo boy ended up, but we’ll move on. I passed with flying colors – no needle use, never been to
Africa, I don’t have mad cow disease. I’m what you might call the ideal candidate. I headed out, grabbed a seat on the open lawn chair and was now facing GIL. She was almost done, getting her arm wrapped, and was off to the snack table. As I was laying there, with a needle in my arm, squeezing the non-
oreo ball every few seconds, I had a perfect view of the snack table. I watched as the GIL opened her purse and used her arm to sweep almost all the snacks off the table into her purse. No joke. She stole the blood donor snacks. The implied one-per-person snacks. I was shocked. Then she reached into a different box on the table and grabbed a cookie. Heaven forbid she eat one of the 50 that were now in her purse. She took a bite and got a sort of sour look on her face. She
didn’t seem to like that variety, so what did she do? She again opened her purse, removed all of that kind of cookie, and placed them back on the table. She stood up, threw the rest of her partially eaten cookie in the trash and walked out – still loaded with a purse full of cookies, trail mix and crackers. If you are giving blood for the free food, not a good idea either.
And, if that
isn’t enough excitement for the day... As I lay there, finishing up my pint ‘o blood, a new potential donor walks in the room. Since it was a donor express drive, the workers were fairly picky about appointment times. She grabbed a “read this before you donate packet” and sat down. The vampire, who was also keeping watch over the sign-in sheet asked if the lady had an appointment. She replied, “No, I have melanoma.” In my opinion, if you have cancer – any form of it –donating blood is not at all a good idea!
It might be more than 56 days before I am ready to do that all over again...
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